How to Save a Life
by aniTRENCH
Summary: AU. Derek needs to be saved, can Meredith help? Or will she fail?
1. Prologue

* * *

**Title:** How to Save a Life

**Characters: **Meredith, Derek, Cristina

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Grey's Anatomy or anything to do with it.

**Author's Note:** So I wrote this about a year and a half ago now, a long time before I ever started watching Grey's Anatomy. So if something seems out of place, or doesn't seem to fit a character that would probably be why. I just wanted more people to read it and to get some more opinions of it.

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How to Save a Life

I would have stayed up with you all night

Prologue

Meredith Grey sat the phone back down on the receiver. She couldn't believe what she had just been told. Everything had been fine last night when they left the coffee shop. He told her everything was fine, and she of course believed him. He was, after all, her best friend. He wouldn't lie, not to her. At least that's what she thought.

Meredith sat herself down in the chair in the front foyer of her house. She ran a freshly manicured hand through her messy dark blonde hair. Staring down at her fuzzy blue slippers she began to wonder what went wrong. Where had she screwed up?

She had sat there for a good twenty minutes staring at her slippers before her best friend, Cristina Yang, who was staying with her since her mother was out of town again, came up to her.

"Hey Mere, what's up?"

Meredith shrugged her shoulders and stood up. She didn't really feel like talking.

"Is something wrong?" Cristina questioned.

"I don't feel like talking Cris. I'll be in my room." Meredith shuffled down the hardwood hallway toward her bedroom. As she reached her door she turned to face her friend. "Give me a few minutes, and I'll tell you everything."

Meredith entered her room and shut the door. She dragged herself over to her bed and toppled down onto it. As her body hit the bed the tears began to flow out of her. She racked her brain, trying to figure out what had happened after she left the coffee shop last night. It had to have been something terrible, it just had to have been.

Cristina stood rooted to the spot. She wasn't sure how long exactly she should give her friend. She knew something was up. Sure, Meredith wasn't known for being overly energetic and peppy. She was typically laid back and relaxed and nearly always had a smile on her face unless, of course, something was put out of place in the kitchen. That was Meredith's biggest pet peeve; she absolutely hated it when someone would put something out of the place she'd designated for it. Even the forks and spoons had to face the right ways in the drawer. Normally, Meredith would have the kitchen looking spotless and orderly before Cristina even opened her eyes in the morning. This morning though, the kitchen looked as messy and disorganized as it had the night before when Cristina went to bed. That was how she first knew something was up, then seeing her friend sitting blank-faced in the front hall, just confirmed that something was, indeed, wrong.

Meredith wiped away the tears on her face and clenched her back teeth together to stop herself from crying more. She needed to talk to someone. She needed to talk to her friend. Cristina would be there for her, she knew it. After all there is no better friend than your surrogate sister. Except for maybe _him_, but he's not around anymore.

"Cris," Meredith called. Her voice was still shaky from crying, but Cristina could hear it.

"Yeah?"

"You can come in now." Meredith opened the door to her bedroom and Cristina went in.

The two of them walked over to Meredith's bed and sat down.

Cristina started to shiver from the chill of Meredith's room. It was the middle of winter and Meredith had both of her windows wide open, her fan going full blast, and the air conditioning on high. "Why is it so cold in here?" Cristina asked, her teeth chattering violently.

"It feels better this way," Meredith stated. Her voice was as void of emotion as her face. "You can wrap up in my blankets if you want to."

Cristina tugged on Meredith's comforter, pulled it up around her shoulders, and wrapped it around her body. "So Mere," Christina started, "what's wrong?"

Meredith sighed; this was going to be harder than she'd originally thought it would be. "Well, you know how I've been dating Derek."

"Oh my God! Did he break up with you? That bastard! I'm going to kill—"

"Cristina!" Meredith interrupted. "Just listen okay? I just need you to listen right now." Tears were beginning to well up behind her eyes again. She sucked in a long breath of the crisp air, letting the cold penetrate her lungs. _Can I do this?_ she wondered to herself.

"Okay, I'll listen," Cristina said quietly.

"Good," Meredith said nodding. "Good," she repeated in a whisper Cristina barely heard.

Meredith took another deep breath and rose from her seat on the bed. She walked over to the window and stared at the snow piling up on the ground. It was a typical Thursday morning, during Christmas break in Fort Collins, Colorado. All except for one thing: this morning Meredith's heart was broken in a million tiny pieces and she felt like it could never be repaired.

"Derek had been going through a really rough time," Meredith began. "After his sister killed herself, his parents began fighting a lot. They finally decided it would be best if they got a divorce. Everything was finalized last week."

"Mere, I know all this." Derek's family, the Grey's, and the Yang's had always been good friends.

"Just listen, okay Cris?"

Cristina nodded. "Sorry, continue."

"On Friday we were given our report cards for the past semester; Derek hadn't done to well. Given everything that has happened lately it wasn't unexpected and it was totally understandable. His parents didn't think so though. They were both pissed as usual. They're both just mad at the world, I think. He felt like his world was falling apart and he was convinced I would leave him because of it. So, last night he phoned me to break up with me, but I wouldn't let him; not over the phone at least. If he really wanted to break up with me, he had to do it in person. I told him that we'd meet and the Starbucks and we would talk."


	2. Chapter One

**Note:** Yes, this is set in high school. I think it becomes more obvious to that this chapter. Thanks for reading.

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Chapter One

Meredith sat at a table in Starbucks on Wednesday night; there were three days left until Christmas and the entire place was buzzing with excitement and joyfulness. That was the exact opposite of how Meredith was feeling. She was so worried about what was going to happen between her and her boyfriend Derek Shepherd. She had gotten off the phone with him fifteen minutes earlier and told him to meet her at the Starbucks after he tried to break up with her over the phone. Derek's life at the moment was a mess; there was no way to deny it. As usual Derek decided to take his mess and make it worse. Not on purpose really, but it seemed that every time he hit the bottom he'd find a shovel and keep digging. Meredith had no idea how far he'd really dug his hole this time.

Derek walked into Starbucks and Meredith ran up to him. She wrapped her small arms around his large frame and rested her head on his chest. "I love you," she whispered to him sincerely. "I don't care how screwed up your life is right now. I love you and that isn't going to change."

Derek held Meredith gently in his arms and ran a hand over her soft hair. He wanted to spend as much time as close to her as possible, because he knew that she wouldn't want to be around him after she found out everything that had been going on. "I love you, too."

The two of them went over to the counter together and ordered their drinks. Once they had their cups they went back to where Meredith was sitting before. The table was in a dark corner, making them almost invisible. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, just enjoying each other's company and the warmth of their drinks. Finally, Meredith began to speak.

"We need to talk."

Derek sighed and pushed himself away from the table so he could get up. He didn't want to talk. He just wished Meredith would have let him end it when he tried earlier. It would have spared her a lot of pain.

"Derek, sit down. It's not going to be _that_ kind of talk," Meredith told him. "I just want to know why you want to break up with me."

Derek sat back down in his seat and smiled politely at Meredith. She smiled back but she looked past him to a window on her right.

"What's going on Derek?"

"Way more than you're going to believe and it's a long story."

"I've got all night Dere."

Derek pushed his chair out from the table so he could stretch out his legs. He leaned back against the chair and began to talk. "It all started after Kathleen died. I just couldn't understand and there really was no one I could talk to about it." Meredith started to protest to that but he stopped her. "I know that you're going to say that I could have come to you, but Meredith would you really have understood what I was going through?"

Meredith shook her head despondently. She really wished that she could have said yes.

"And that's okay Mere, I wouldn't want you to have to understand what it was like," Derek continued. He slid his hand over to where Meredith's was laying on the table. He slipped his hand beneath hers and embraced it. "I never want you to feel like that," he said sincerely looking straight into her eyes. "Basically, my life went from perfect to some form of hell in a matter of minutes. I didn't know what to do, and I had no clue how I was supposed to deal with it.

"I began cutting myself off from the world, except for you. You were the only person I would even bother having an actual conversation with. My parents got worried after a couple weeks and decided to put me in counseling. I went for a couple sessions, but they weren't helping me at all; they were just making the hole inside me bigger. I decided to find my sister's friends; I figured they would be able to help me get past everything, since they were going through the same thing. They did help me get past it all, sort of, but not in the way I had expected at all."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked him, afraid of what the answer might be. Kathleen hadn't exactly fallen in with a good crowd. She and her friends were pretty well known around the school for being into some serious drugs. There was never any solid evidence Kathleen had actually done any of the drugs herself, but Meredith suspected. There was no way you could be around that atmosphere that much and not be doing them.

"Well, you know the people she hung out with. When I first went to them, all I wanted was to find out about my sister's last couple days. I swear that was all," Derek said to Meredith honestly. "They offered me some cocaine, but I wouldn't take it. Not at first anyway." Derek stopped. He really wished he really didn't want to have to tell Meredith the things he was about to. He opened his mouth to speak again but-

"Derek stop!" Meredith commanded, but he just shook his head. "Please, stop," her tone this time was much softer. Meredith's eyes were brimming with tears. She knew exactly where this was going and she really didn't want to hear it.

"I can't stop; I have to tell you."

Meredith looked away and shut her eyes, hoping it would make everything go away.

"Meredith," Derek said trying to get her to look at him. "Meredith, please listen to me. My life was a mess; absolutely everything was falling apart. I just wanted everything to be better, even if it was just for a little while."

Meredith could barely believe what she was hearing. She didn't know what to do. Should she cry, yell, or run and get as far the hell away from Derek as possible? She couldn't believe the person sitting in front of her was the same person she grew up with. There was no way this was the boy who swore he would never hurt her.

Why had she insisted on this meeting? Why hadn't she just accepted everything he told her over the phone? Why had she come here anyway?

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came_


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes:** -I'd just like to say again that this was written a long time before I ever watched Grey's Anatomy. I know that Derek and Meredith are, for the most part, completely out of character but I still wanted to post this.  
-The chorus of the song is being left out until the end.

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Chapter Two

Meredith sighed heavily. What was she supposed to say to Derek now?

Meredith didn't have to wonder to long because Derek began to speak again. "Now do you see Meredith? Do you understand why we can't be together any more?" Derek asked her; there was a sense of harshness to his tone Meredith hadn't expected.

"No," Meredith whispered quietly.

"What?" Derek's tone hadn't changed a bit.

"No, I don't understand!" Meredith said with much more volume. "I still love you. Don't you get that? I told you that I don't care how screwed up your life is right now, I love you. I don't know why you keep pushing me away. Don't you love me?"

Derek softened his face and voice. "Of course I love you Mere. You mean everything to me. I just don't want you to get hurt. I couldn't bear it if you got pulled into my mess."

"So don't let me Dere. Go get help. Go do rehab or something."

"I can't," Derek stated sorrowfully.

"Why not? Derek, you have to go. It will save your life."

"My parents will kill me if they ever find out that I've done drugs, so no, actually it won't," Derek stated matter-of-factly.

"I doubt it. Will they be mad? Yes. Hell, I'm mad Dere. But honestly Derek, you are literally killing yourself every time you take drugs. I know you don't think so now, but you are. My mom is a doctor Derek, and I've seen people and heard stories of people who have done and still do drugs; they're not pretty."

"I'm just scared Meredith," Derek told her. "I don't want to face the real world. Life just doesn't feel good anymore."

"Derek, I know you're scared. You have every right to be, but Derek, you need to get help, and you need to get it fast. If you don't things will get worse and it won't be a slow decline; you're going to fall off a cliff into a pit of thorns and it will be incredibly hard for you to get out."

Everything was getting to be too much for Derek to handle. He pulled his chair back in towards the table and let his head down onto his arms resting on it. Meredith slid her chair over next to him and ran a hand through Derek's curly brown hair.

"I hate to tell you this, but I have to. You got yourself into this Derek, and now you need to get yourself out of it," she told him.

"Why?" Derek mumbled. His chest was beginning to hurt; he could feel the shakes starting to come. _When was the last time I shot up?_ He wondered quietly to himself.

"Because Derek, you've let your usually good grades slip into failing marks, you've pushed pretty much everyone that used to be important to you out of your life-"

"Not everyone, you're still here," Derek interrupted.

"Just let me finish Dere," Meredith said sighing. Everything was beginning to make sense now. It wasn't just Kathleen dying and Derek's parents fighting that was making all these bad things happen. It was the drugs. Meredith didn't know how far he'd gotten into the drugs; she didn't know what all he was using and quite frankly, she didn't want to. One thing she did know was that Derek needed to make a 180 and fast.

Derek nodded his head that was still lying atop his arms, implying for Meredith to continue.

"You're parents probably have no clue what to do with you anymore because you won't talk to either of them; that's also probably why they get mad at you so much. They most likely think that's the only way to get through to you. Quite obviously it isn't working. And finally, you're doing drugs! I don't know what kind—as far as you've told me it's just cocaine—but how can I trust you anymore? You've been lying to me for the past–gosh, who knows how long. It's been almost a year since Kathleen died and I don't know how long it took you to turn to drugs, but it sounded like only a month or two."

Derek just sat there not moving or responding in anyway. Had he even heard anything she said? Meredith questioned in her mind. Did he listen?

_Oh God, please say he listened_, Meredith pleaded in a silent prayer.

_Let him know that you know best_  
'_Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you_


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

A few minutes went by and Derek still hadn't said anything. Meredith reasoned on whether or not she should say anything else. She eventually decided that if he hadn't said anything after fifteen minutes she'd say something. She didn't know what she'd say, but she had a while to come up with something.

Meredith was spared, however, from having to think of something when Derek muttered something into the table.

"Dere?" Meredith said trying to get him to actually say it to her instead of the table.

"What if I don't want to fix things?" Derek asked. "What if I like things the way they are?" he continued, his voice rising with every syllable. "Did you ever think about that Meredith? Did you ever even consider that I don't mind things being the way they are? That maybe I like it? What if I really did want to break up with you?! What if I'm sick of you?!"

Meredith sat staring at Derek. Had he really just said all that? Hadn't he just said less than an hour ago that he loved her? Was it a lie?

"That's fine Derek, but this isn't about me," Meredith said softly. "This is about you and the choices you have to make now. You can either stay on the road your on now that will eventually lead to your destruction, or you can stop right now and get help and make things the way they were. If you don't want me around that's fine," Meredith said, her voice breaking at the end.

Derek looked up at Meredith and saw the tears pooling in her crystal green eyes. His mood instantly switched from fiery to being very concerned. "Oh my God, Mere," he said, only just truly realizing what he'd just said to her before. "I'm so sorry; I didn't even realize what I was saying."

Meredith looked away. She really didn't care what he had to say. She really wished she hadn't come. She should have just let him break up with her then curled up in her blankets to be depressed for the rest of Christmas break. That would have suited her just fine right about now.

Derek got up from his chair and dragged the chair right over to Meredith. "Babe, I'm really sorry. I do want you around, I _need_ you around Mere. I'm the exact opposite of sick of you. I'm just frustrated and scared. Meredith, you have no idea how much I need you around." Derek ran one of his hands along Meredith's back and held one of hers in his other. "I know things are bad. I know I've let everything go out of control, but please believe me when I tell you that I want to change. I want things to be good again."

"Do you promise?" Meredith asked sniffling and using her spare hand to wipe away the tears on her face.

"I promise."

Derek and Meredith sat in their dark corner of the Starbucks holding each other and talking about happier subjects, like what they expected to get from 'Santa' for Christmas.

At around eleven Derek walked Meredith home. She made him promise that things were okay at least a dozen times before allowing him to head home for the night. If only she'd known what would have happened next, she never would have let him go.

_As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came_


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

Meredith hadn't spoken a word in about five minutes. Cristina wondered if Meredith had reached the end of the story. She couldn't have, could she? Meredith mood still made absolutely no sense at all to Cristina. From the way Meredith ended it, it sounded like everything was fine.

"But Mere," Cristina started, "I don't get it. Why are you sad?"

Meredith looked over to her friend. "I s'pose I should tell you the rest then?"

"That would be a good idea," Cristina stated politely.

Meredith sighed before delving back into the story, only to worsen her heartache.

Meredith woke up like any other morning. She was naturally an early riser, and typically in the winter she was up long before the sun; it didn't matter whether it was school break or not.

Meredith crawled out of bed slowly before tip-toeing quickly across the hardwood floor to get to the bathroom. She shut the bathroom door quietly so she didn't wake her sister.

After having a nicely refreshing and steamy shower Meredith climbed out and dressed herself into a pair of black sweat pants and a light-weight gray hoodie over top of an old rock climbing t-shirt she'd had since was six and still managed to fit into. She walked out of the bathroom and headed toward the kitchen for her morning clean-up. On her way over to the kitchen the phone rang. Figuring it was her mother just calling in for their daily check-up on her and Cristina she went over and picked up the phone. Meredith's mother was asked to assist on a surgical case in Seattle over Christmas break and she left Meredith behind. She trusted Meredith and Cristina enough to not have a party, and even if they did that they would clean up after themselves, or Meredith would anyway.

Meredith looked down at the call display to be sure, but the ID showing up was Derek's home number. Derek wasn't usually up until noon on a good day, so it puzzled Meredith a little but she picked up the phone anyway.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Meredith there please?" It was Derek's mom. Why on earth would she be phoning?

"This is Meredith, can I help you Mrs. Shepherd?"

"Please, just call me Barb," she requested. "Meredith, I think you should sit down."

"Sit down? Why? What's wrong?" Meredith began to feel panic creep through her body.

"Meredith," Barb paused for a moment before continuing, "It's Derek; he died last night. The best guess of the investigator right now is suicide. Derek left a note Meredith; it's addressed to you. We think you should come over and read it." Barb's voice sounded so void of emotion and mechanical it made Meredith want to scream.

Meredith sniffled a little before saying, "Yeah, okay, I'll be over when I can."

"Oh my gosh. Meredith!" Cristina jumped up from her sitting position and ran toward her friend. "I'm so sorry." Cristina hugged Meredith in the biggest hug she'd ever given.

"Yeah, me too," Meredith said on the verge of tears.

"Have you gone and read the note yet?" Cristina inquired softly.

"No, I'm scared."

"I'll come with you."

Meredith and Cristina went and put on their winter jackets. Well, Cristina put hers on then forced Meredith into hers. They put on their shoes and made the five-minute walk over to Derek's mom's house.

Cristina rang the bell as she figured Meredith would probably just chicken out and run. She grabbed Meredith's hand to be sure that she didn't too.

"Hi Barb, I'm so sorry," Cristina said as she saw Derek's mother in the doorway.

"Thank-you Cristina." Barb smiled and Meredith wanted to hurl. How could she have just lost her son and still manage to smile?

"Here Meredith." Barb handed Meredith a folded piece of lined paper with her name written across it. "You can come inside to read it if you need to."

Meredith shook her head. She could hear how much Barb didn't want her in the house with every syllable. Barb was just saying that to be nice. Meredith took a seat down on the front steps and unfolded the paper with Cristina sitting right beside her.

_Dearest Meredith,_

_I am so sorry to do this to you. I know that I just promised you that everything was fine, and that I would never hurt you the way my sister hurt me. I just can't do it anymore though Meredith. I can't live with parents that don't really love me, I can't tell them about the drugs, and I can't quit on my own. I really wish things didn't have to be like this. I'll always be with you Mere, and please, don't deal with the pain the same way I did. I destroyed my life and everything I touched, except you. Some how you wouldn't let me break you. Thank-you for being my rock; I hope that one day, you will be able to forgive me for everything I've done._

_Forever, I will love you,_

_Dere_

"He says he's sorry," Meredith stated simply to Barb before pulling Cristina up off the steps and walking away with her.

If Barb had spent a little more time caring about her son and a little less time worrying about her nails and what the neighbors were thinking Derek would still be around.

The walk home was silent. Meredith was constantly wondering what she'd done wrong. Why did she have to be the one to lose her best friend? As she curled up in bed after Cristina tucked her in she realized something. Derek had the whole thing planned. He'd known that he was going to kill himself when he dialed Meredith's number the night before. He'd known that she would never let him break up with her over the phone and that he'd have to tell her the whole story. He'd known all the right words to say to convince her everything was fine, and he'd known that she would let him go at the end of the night without a hassle. Meredith didn't know who she was madder at: Derek for lying to her or herself for not realizing how stupid she'd been. She wished she could turn back time and go back to when she let Derek leave. She never would have let him go; she'd have stayed with him the whole night, and then he never would have died.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

**The End**


End file.
